My Walk Through Hell.

break ups narcissist ptsd therapy toxic relationship Dec 10, 2020

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is something I always thought only veterans who spent years in a war were diagnosed with. 

Not something I ever expected a therapist to tell me was a result of my relationship. 


This isn't my typical fitness/positive kind of content. This is something that's hard to spill. Something so painful to me that actually haunts me every single day. 

This is my story about spending 2 years in a relationship with a narcissist. 

If you don't know the term, google it. Or keep reading- 

Maybe you'll have a "light bulb" moment like I finally did after 2 years.

Although when you are in a relationship like this you aren't actually blind sided. You KNOW what's happening, but you refuse to come to terms with it. At least that's how I was. Every time my mind started to drift to the thought that the man I loved so much and wanted to spend the rest of my life with might actually be the worst thing that's ever happened to me I would quickly tell myself WOW I'M THE SHITTY ONE, how could I possibly think like that!?! He's so amazing. We are in love. 

But the truth of the matter is, it was never love. I loved someone who pretended to be what I wanted. 

I'm going to try to make this short (although I could write a novel) + share a lot in hopes it helps you. I saw a girl post about her toxic relationship with her ex and that was my moment I realized I needed out. 


I wasn’t even fully aware of the war until it ended.

 

You made me feel insecure and like I wasn’t good enough when I saw you telling all these other girls they were hot.

 You made me feel unworthy when I’d see you liking photos of other women and their kids, but never once took or posted a picture of me and yours.

 You made me hate my body when you made me guilty for showing it off.

 You made me hate my body even more when I couldn’t post pictures like gym selfies or progress photos showing my hard work, but you’d comment back to other girls bikini pics.

 You made me feel crazy when girls would send me screenshots of you flirting with them and would say “I never sent that”

 You made me feel disgusted with myself when guys would comment on my stories or send me a message and get mad at ME that they messaged me.

 You made me doubt myself when I’d hear you talk down on my business and dreams to other people.

 You made me feel guilty for working anytime I’d touch my phone and ask “what’s so important” every single time. But you can sit and scroll through FB and watch porn every day.

 You made me burnout. I had to keep up with everything- a business, a job (2 at one time cause I wasn’t “making enough money”) walking 2 dogs, cleaning the entire house, and cooking. If I didn’t do everything I felt like a failure because it WOULD NOT get done.

 You made me isolated. I use to do things with people every day and now I just want to be alone. Anytime I would your mood would be so far off and text me every single second.

 You made me fight with myself. Every time you left the house I’d wonder what you were doing + think of all these scenarios + then I’d get mad at myself + say I’m crazy. Then I’d get drunk so it would all go away.

 You made me out to be the bad guy because after 2 years I finally “threw us away” when you had been doing that every day since I met you.

 You made me hate everyone around us by telling me these little twisted stories like “everyone hates when you get drunk they are so annoyed, you are embarrassing”

 You made me feel lonely by saying “I’m the only motherf*cker who cares about you + has stuck around through your shit”

I’m sorry I was grieving the death of my best friend + you got wrapped into that.

 You made me forget my worth + it showed in my business every day.

 You spent so long raising me so high up just to kick me down.

But thank you. Because of this I am stronger + found my independence again.


I wrote that in my notes section on my phone after I ended the relationship and came to terms with everything going on. But the truth is I saw myself fading. 

I caught my ex cheating on me 18 times in 2 years and still stayed with him. For a while he actually became a better boyfriend when I caught him in order for me to stay. Love bombing me, finally snuggling me/kissing me, promising me an amazing future, saying he can't wait to make me his wife and would propose right now if he had a ring, etc. 

But then there came a point where he was sick of me catching him. That I was the crazy one that didn't trust him. I would cry and he'd say "you did this to yourself. Do you want me to leave" and then proceed to start ripping his clothes off hangers and run around the house packing things up. While I begged and cried for him to stay...after I caught him cheating? Suddenly it was my fault? Worse part? I always had to put his clothes away after the fight.. 

He would make me second guess myself and I'd tell myself I was crazy, annoying, clingy, had trust issues, was insecure. But I was really just begging for him to love me. I was begging for bare minimum our entire relationship and he couldn't even give that to me. But he could give it to every other random girl who popped up on his timeline. 

I can still see the anger in his eyes every time he screamed at me. 

If I tried to talk? Twist my words.

If I cried? Scream louder. 

If I was silent? Scream louder.

If I finally snapped and yelled?  "wow you're the crazy one why are you screaming at me."


I don't think people realize the mental effect this has on someone. Every time I caught him cheating I hated myself more, not him. I'd try harder for his attention. Maybe if I was better at makeup, maybe if I lost weight, maybe if I had sex more, maybe if I made more money, maybe if I wake up at 3am to make him breakfast + make sure the house is cleaned + he has a hot dinner when he's home, maybe if he saw how much his family + kids loved me. 

But nothing worked. I lost myself trying to be loved by someone who isn't capable of loving anything. 

I actually told myself I either have to leave or accept the fact he's going to cheat on me and just ignore it. And I was willing to just ignore it.


The last couple months of our relationship I tried to drown the pain out with alcohol. I knew our relationship was crumbling. He tried to buy a ring to fix it but wasn't approved for financing (thank god honestly I'd still be stuck) The same week he tried to buy a ring he was cheating on me, the week after that he told our friend he was packing his shit and leaving me. I couldn't fathom how you could want to propose to someone you are cheating on and telling people you're going to leave... 

Then the global pandemic hit and we were quarantined. Well at least I was. We only had one vehicle. He worked all day, and I drank. I'd wait for him to walk through the door so excited to talk to him/see him/tell him about my day. 

Every time he'd walk in so pissed off. Like he was so angry he had to come home to me. He'd walk straight into the kitchen without a word to me yell at the dogs for being excited to see him, plug his phone in, put his elbows on the counter and go through his phone while smoking on his vape and not listening to me ramble off so excitedly about my day. He'd put his phone down and go "ehh" and walk into the garage and smoke. When he walked back into the house I'd try to kiss him and he'd turn his cheek, every time. He'd say "I'm gross I need to shower". 

Even if I had dinner ready after his shower he'd go to the shop. After a while I wasn't even invited. So I'd sit back on the couch and drink more. 

It was okay though eating alone was better, because when we did sit at the table to eat he was glued to his phone after I asked him so many times to not while we ate together. I still feel that sink in my heart when I would sit there and stare at my plate in silence as I ate while he watched racing videos. If I said anything about him being on his phone his response was "you're always on your phone" 


It's been 6 months and sometimes I get lonely living alone. Sleeping alone. Doing everything alone. But then I remind myself I was always alone, even when he was sleeping right next to me. 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is draining. You are with someone who doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't want you to be with anyone else. 

I would wake up randomly through out the night and see him digging through my phone. I'm not sure what he was trying to do. He deleted pictures of all my ex boyfriends and actually got mad that I still had those pictures. Memories like my first Blazer game, Disney land during halloween, amazing hikes, my senior prom- gone. My block list was so long and I never blocked anyone. I couldn't have snapchat. He threatened to delete my social media multiple times. If a guy messaged me I was in trouble. I couldn't post any photos of myself. Even when I had progress photos on my phone of myself he asked why I took them. 

So I may be sleeping alone now, but I have peace finally. 


If you've made it this far I just want to tell you, girlfriend it's time to leave. 

I promise you love isn't suppose to feel like this. 

You aren't suppose to be walking on egg shells. You should be able to have conversations with your partner- good and bad. 

You should have someone who wants the best for you and would try to do anything to make you happy if you were sad. 

You deserve to have someone who walks through the door and is so happy to be home with you. Who would prefer to sit and watch a movie with you. 

You deserve to be with someone who couldn't fathom the thought of cheating on you or disrespecting you in any way because that meant they could lose you. 

There are people out there who have a pure heart and won't lie about the smallest things (I didn't even dive into this- I really could write a novel) 

There are people out there who will hug you when you're sad or just having an off mental health day instead of argue with you. 

I'm so sorry you found someone who didn't know how to love you. I know it hurts. I know there will be a lot of restless nights (I'm typing this at midnight right now) I know you'll randomly bawl your eyes out and I know people around you won't understand why you can't just get over it. 

I also know you were never asking too much, you were just asking the wrong person. And the right was IS out there. 

My advice- stay single, seriously. fOcuS oN yOuRsElf. I say it like that because I hate when people say that for some reason. But it's so true. Actually take the time to heal your heart so you don't become the toxic one and hurt someone else. 

I tried to talk to an amazing guy a month after my relationship and found myself so insecure and toxic towards him. He taught me a lot in the 3 weeks we talked and we were able to have a good conversation about my insecurities and how I needed to find myself. 

He asked me something I want to ask you because it challenged me and I hope it can motivate you. 

Who are you? Really? Aside from your job title or label as a mom. 

I repeated "Who IS Casey" for months until I figured it out. 

Good luck on your new journey. 

My DMs are always open to you. 

 

Love always, 

Casey. 

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