A Celebration of Women - Elise Leibowitz - Relationship Coach

communication intimacy pleasure relationships sex Oct 30, 2020

Welcome back to our series Celebrating Women!

This journey has been so fun, inspirational, and educational. It just confirms to me that we have so many incredible women surrounding us, cheering us on in our lives, and it is an honor for me to give these women voices to shed light on what they are passionate about! This week I had the amazing opportunity to speak with a lifelong friend of mine about her journey and the work she is doing to change the way we enter into relationships and how pleasure is often put on the backburner. She focuses on creating safe atmospheres for women and men alike in their perspective relationships, and helps confront insecurities when it comes to sex and pleasure. She opens the door of communication with eloquence and style, and answers questions that I’m sure all of us have had when it comes to intimacy. I am so excited to share her story and her vision with all of you, so with that, let’s dive in!

Q. “First things first, what is it that you do, and what is it that you are trying to accomplish?”

A. Hi there! What a wonderful place to begin. My name is Elise Leibowitz and I am a relationship coach and educator. My deepest passion and genius lies in helping creative and heart-driven women surrender to their desires, ease and pleasure in relationships. I crave for every woman to feel ravished, admired, understood, respected, valued and supported by her partner. I want every woman to feel held through the fear, uncertainty, confusion and frustration that can arise along the way. In order for us to create the relationships that we want, we have to acknowledge and wade through the blockages that actually arise along our journey of receiving what we’ve asked for. I know that this process can be scary and I want every woman to feel supported as they courageously walk this path. 

Q. “Can you share your story with us and how that has led you into this line of work? 

A. I grew up with a stepfather figure that was emotionally and physically abusive. Because of this, home never felt like a safe place, so my body grew to feel unsafe as well. I quickly learned to disassociate from my surroundings and my experiences. I lacked a strong and vocal female role model in my life, which led me to feel terrified to ask for what I wanted.

For years I struggled to form healthy boundaries with men. I repeatedly found myself in situations where I was being violated yet couldn’t find the voice to advocate for myself. I remember just wanting to feel chosen. Feel special. Feel held. Feel seen. 

I found myself kissing men that had previously sexually harassed me. I was raped by 2 men in Mexico and wanted to protect them afterwards. I was locked into a room with men in Nepal, drunk and scared. I found myself cornered in alleyways and shoved into walls nonconsensually in bathrooms. I remember a boyfriend shoving his dick into my mouth while I cried. And yet it took me a while to leave him. 

I know this is a lot. I feel big emotions in my belly as I write about my experiences. And yet I know so many women experience this. 

Years of therapy, sexual trauma body work, and plant medicine helped me in many ways. But I still found myself in relationships where I was scared to ask for what I wanted. I found myself in relationships where I was the caretaker, my sexual needs weren’t met and my partner felt insecure about my ambitions because he didn’t have the same for himself. I repeatedly felt like I had to hold the emotions for both of us, because they lacked the steadiness and accountability.

What really bridged the gap for me was recognizing that there was a pull in me that needed to be explored, expressed and honored. Keeping myself small felt as though I was squeezing myself into a tube day in and day out. And I felt as though I couldn’t fully exhale. I was hiding a huge part of myself. My zest and creative force wanted to be honored and it couldn’t be silenced any longer. I didn’t want to feel “okay” in my relationships and have to convince myself that “I could live with this.” 

I decided that I would fully trust whatever path lied ahead. Through the pain. Through the loneliness. Through the confusion. I would commit to the entirety of what lay ahead for me and show up for myself.

I started saying yes to the life that I wanted. I cut out unhealthy relationships. I brought myself on dates and picked myself flowers. I bought myself clothes that made me feel yummy. I painted and wrote poetry. I journaled by candlelight and danced in my underwear. I found deep sensuality and befriended my darkness. I found fulfilment through making homemade meals and hiking by myself. Life felt like one big turn on. I felt magnetic, excited, alive, open, soft, fiery, passionate, energetic and ready. My life felt as though it were overflowing and simple. I felt grateful every day and from my overflow, I decided that I wanted to support other people that were struggling with the same path that I had. My passions have melted and morphed over time as I myself grew and expanded into who I am today. In the past 5 years in the coaching industry, I have served as a pleasure coach, an empowerment coach and now a relationship coach. I am happy and humbled to be able to learn and grow alongside clients as we navigate their journey together.

Q. “Knowing that everybody is different, and has different needs, tastes, etc. how do you approach working with a new client, and how do you make sure that they are in a safe space?”

A. This is such an important question to ask. Before I work with a client, I have them fill out an application form with a questionnaire so that I can understand where they are currently at in their relationships with themselves and their partner. I ask my clients to specify where they would like to go from there. We get ultra clear on what they are currently feeling challenged with and what they are already champions at. 

In terms of creating a safe space for my clients, I make sure that I am arriving to each session clear, grounded and focused. I process my own emotions and experiences so that I am meeting each client with absolute presence so that I can be fully of service to them. 


Q. “What is something we all need to know, or that you want us to know when it comes to intimacy?”

A. Well what is intimacy? I believe that intimacy is when we allow ourselves to accept and sink into every part of who we are. So when you are truly open and honest about what your needs are, what your fears are, where you are at in life and what is important to you, intimacy with your partner becomes easier. When you are living in integrity, radical acceptance and honesty with ourselves leads to radical acceptance and honesty with your partner. And radical acceptance and honesty forms intimacy.

Q. “What is the best way to communicate your sexual needs to your partner, and how do we address that moving forward?”


A. Mmmm, I love this question. A lot of people are scared to communicate their sexual desires to their partner because they think that their partner might feel offended or feel like they haven’t or aren’t able to live up to their expectations. A fun and playful way to communicate sexually is through inviting your partner to fulfil a desire. Let’s say you want your partner to go down on you more. Instead of lying in bed after sex and turning to them and saying “I wish you would give me more oral”, which could feel scary to you, in the midst of sex you could whisper in their ear “hey babe, something that would feel soooooo good and would turn me the fuck on is if you lick my pussy. Can you do that for me?” With this type of communication, your partner is able to fill in a gap, and therefore feel empowered. As humans we have 6 emotional needs. They are: contribution, certainty, variety, love/community, growth and significance. This interaction allows them to fulfill all 6 of their emotional needs. You are directly inviting them to support you in a tangible way as you have given them a clear ask and told them how it will make you feel.  


Q. “Do you have any suggestions on how to feel more confident in the bedroom and with your partner?”


A. Explore what makes you feel sexy by yourself first. Maybe that’s touching yourself while looking in a mirror. Maybe that’s making yourself cum three times before breakfast. Maybe that’s wearing cargo pants while you dance along a dirt path. Maybe that’s eating fruit with your fingers. Maybe that’s painting naked on a blanket. Then bring this delicious energy to your partner. 

I also think that there is deep power in allowing ourselves to be held and seen and made love to when we are feeling vulnerable and want to hide. When we learn to accept and hold all parts of ourselves, we learn that there is beauty to all of our phases. There is no “wrong” part of ourselves. We deserve to and can be loved and honored and cherished when we feel small and scared.

Remember that your partner wants to explore you. All of you. When you feel ignited and delicious. When you feel vulnerable and scared. 

Offer who you are at that very moment. In authenticity. In truth. In purity. Bring all that you are to the bedroom and your partner will meet you there.


Q. “Is there such a thing as “bad” sexual habits whilst in a relationship? If so, how would you suggest correcting that behavior?”

A. I don’t believe that I can make a judgement and say one activity is “bad” and another is “good”. What I do believe is that it is important to be honest with yourself. What feels good to you? What feels bad? If something feels bad, I invite you to become curious about what you would like to experience instead. Can you bring in compassion and conviction for yourself and realize that you deserve to feel pleasure? You deserve to feel delicious and feel immense joy. This could look like you using a vibrator at the most intense setting but your body is asking for you to slowwww down because your orgasms don’t actually feel that pleasurable and you’re left feeling emotionally and physically spent. Do you have a subconscious belief that equates uncomfortability and struggle with orgasm? Can you allow yourself to slow down enough to allow yourself to fullyyyyy receive pleasure? Can you allow yourself to be penetrated by the experience of sensation, overflow and surrender? Can you say yes to experiencing new realms of being held in bliss, ecstasy and euphoria? 

Q. “What are some major stereotypes about sex that you want to nip in the bud right now?”

A. Oh goodness, so many. Okay, let’s talk about what IS true. People aren’t “dirty” if they have an STI (hello, ⅓ of the population in the U.S. has herpes). Men can enjoy being anally penetrated by their female partner. Women can be on their period and still receive enthusiastic oral sex from their partner. PIV (penis in vagina) sex is not the only “valid” form of sex. You don’t have to have baby smooth skin when you have sex (or ever). You can have razor bumps. You can have hair on your ass crack. You can feel bloated. You can have bacne. You can have butne. You can have cellulite. Bringing toys into the bedroom (or anywhere *winks*) can enhance your sexual experience with your partner. I invite you to bring all of yourself to the bedroom and beyond. The parts that scare you. The parts that you’re ashamed of. The parts that you hide away. The parts of you that yearn to be seen and understood. Hold these parts of yourself tenderly and know that you have been and will always be loveable. Exactly the way that you are. 


Q. “What is your advice for people not in any kind of relationship to maintain a healthy sex life?”

A. Your pleasure matters. Period. If you enjoy sexual stimulation, I believe that self pleasure (masturbation) benefits people that are single, having casual sex, dating, in relationships, married or are sexually engaging with others in any other way. Pleasure yourself individually. Turn yourself on. Take yourself on dates. Take baths. Light candles. Journal. Engage in whatever activities you love that fill you up and make you feel as if you are overflowing. Take time to connect to your body. Touch yourself with reverence. With passion. With softness. With presence. Touch yourself the way that you would like someone else to touch you. The more you pour into yourself, the more you will feel alive, healthy and vibrant. 


Q. “What is your opinion on abstinence or abstaining from sex until marriage? Do you think that it can make intimacy more difficult since you haven’t experienced your partner in that way?”

A. I want a woman to follow whatever path makes her feel empowered and sexy. If you personally believe in abstaining til marriage and that feels like a fuck yes in your body, by all means go for it. If you grew up being told that you need to abstain until marriage to be loved and accepted by God, your community and your partner but that doesn’t sit well in your body and that concept doesn’t feel like it fits the life you want, I suggest reflecting on what decision best supports you.

For individuals that do abstain until marriage, I believe that wonderful and delicious sex is absolutely possible, but it’s up to the individuals to communicate what they want and desire. I encourage women to pleasure themselves outside of sex with their partner because when you explore what feels good to your body, you are then more aware of how you would like your partner to touch/explore/penetrate/grab/hold you. 


Q. “What can people expect from your services?” 

A. Understanding, a non-judgmental space and tangible tools to help you get where you want to go. I have a grounded energy but will also serve you fire. I will challenge you to really dig deep, get clear on what you desire and open up to receive what it is that you want. I will celebrate and get excited with you during your wins. And hold space, affirm you and offer support when you feel confused and are craving some guidance. I will support you along your journey at every step of the way.

Q. “What can people learn from having 1:1 sessions with you?”

A. I hold space for women to explore the parts of themselves that they have not yet given themselves permission to accept. I help them make the shift from over pouring into everyone around them to consistently pouring into themselves. I affirm that their needs, wants and desires are not only valid but fucking holy. Our longings lead us to where we want to be. I also know what it’s like to feel fucking terrified to get there. I provide women with reassurance when they need steadiness. I provide women with a sense of certainty when what is ahead of them feels uncertain. I offer devoted authenticity and grounded feminine leadership. 

Q. “How can these sessions benefit and affect you and your relationship in the long run?”

A. My sessions support you in owning every part of yourself. The part of you that clearly voices what you need. The part of you that shamelessly takes up space. The part of you that shares your fears with courage. The part of you that is wild and loud and silly. The part of you that selects food that nourishes and sustains your body. The part of you that moves with pleasure. The part of you that is a creatrix who is devoted to your art and vision. And the part of you that shares this delicious, magnetic and wholesome energy with your partner and is received and worshiped in full. We create a foundation for you to thrive. Together, we create a path where you repeatedly choose yourself. These choices become habits overtime and eventually a devoted lifestyle, because you will no longer settle for anything less than who you really are.


Q. “To wrap things up, is there anything you haven’t mentioned above that you think our readers should know?”

A. I know how it can feel to think that what we want feels too far away. That our dreams or goals or aspirations in our relationships feel unrealistic. Maybe you think that the people on your social media feed or your friends or role models can have a certain type of relationship, but that it’s not possible for you. Guess what. That’s just not true. Every relationship functions differently, but if you are committed to what you desire and are willing to put in the work to get there, you can make it happen. 

How to connect with the lovely Elise Leibowitz:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/eliseleibowitz/


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